How Not To Do Glastonbury
All the mistakes I made, and probably will make again.
By now you’re probably dead bored of Glastonbury content. For a five day long festival it creates a whole lot of noise online and I can imagine most are tired of it. As for myself, I honestly can’t get enough and I imagine every single one of my friends is as tired of me as the content so I thought I would do something different with my coverage of Glastonbury.
Seeing as this was my second time gracing Worthy Farm, my first being in 2022, I thought I had it in the bag going in this year.
Turns out I did not.
And so I thought I could talk about all the mistakes I made over the weekend going day by day.
Without further ado, let me take you back to Wednesday 26th June.
Wednesday - Not Bringing A Trolley
It goes without saying that Glastonbury is a huge festival. With 210,000 attendees, it becomes a temporary city for the weekend with the densest concentrated population on the planet. Its layout differs from other major festivals in that it doesn’t have “an arena” and all the camping is arrayed around the main site with no restrictions between camping and the stages.
You can even see here, how large the site is as an overlay on OpenStreetMaps.
This means that all the camping is quite spread out. I had tried to meet with a friend this year at either of our respective campsites but with her in Big Ground and me in Baileys, this “quick trip” was suddenly close to an hour’s walk each way. So we gave up on that idea pretty quickly.
On top of that, there are only two main entrances for general camping: the bus entrance (PG A) and the car entrance (PG D). And as I mentioned before, we opted for Baileys which we enjoyed in 2022 with how quiet and spacious it was there.
Which is 30 minutes away from the bus entrance. You can probably see where this is going.
The night prior, I had commended myself on packing so efficiently. My arsenal consisted of:
A large backpacking rucksack with all my clothes
A smaller rucksack I was planning on using for my day bag with essentials and water bottles inside it
A camping chair
An IKEA bag with several tote bags of stuff packed inside it
And no trolley.
“It’s alright, the IKEA bag isn’t that heavy, I can carry it easy peasy,” I distinctly remember telling myself.
Boy, did I have a lesson coming.
Getting off the bus on this very sunny Wednesday, the heat hit me like a truck. We had been warned of how warm it was by some of our friends that got here a little earlier than us through pictures of what I can only describe as our fellows melting in the sun trying to catch some shade.
Looking down at my collection of bags, I begin to think I’ve made a mistake.
I assume we all know which IKEA bags I’m referring to? Those blue ones with the yellow handles. I had managed to find one that even included a zip to close it that made packing it tightly even more practical. Well what they don’t tell you about these bags is that the handles are not well suited to carrying really heavy loads for long distances in the heat.
The rucksacks weren’t an issue, I often say shoulders were invented for a reason and that reason is rucksacks.
The IKEA bag, however.
And so my forerunner friends holding the fort at the campsite were greeted by one, very sweaty, tired, grumpy, late twenty year old struggling up the last hill to the site. My hands were in pieces after having to constantly stop, change the hand carrying the IKEA bag, and muscle on through the pain. It got so bad at points that I had to beg my fellow coach passenger friends (who had intelligently brought trolleys) to take some of my stuff.
And you want to hear the best bit? I did pretty much the exact same thing in 2022, just with more bags.
So kids, if you’re heading to Glastonbury, bring a trolley.
Thursday - Trying To See Music
Thursday is the day when some music starts around the festival site. Not all of it, the main stages are apparently limited by licensing agreements, but places like Silver Hayes, San Remo, The Park, and others all host a variety of acts to get people started on the big weekend.
It’s also the day that follows what will probably be your best sleep of the weekend. Wednesday is a calm affair and I got a solid 7 hours of shuteye overnight. I woke up feeling energised and was ready for a big day ahead. And so was everyone else.
The last Glasto Thursday in 2022 was a bit of a chaotic affair, we had tried to see music at Stonebridge Bar in The Park and had ended up sitting outside due to how long the queue was. The Thursday energy is rife amongst the revellers and people are keen to see things.
This year a friend had planned a pub crawl around some of Glastonbury’s many, many bars which was a nice mixup from last time and we headed out for the day to hit them all up. The plan was to finish at Jayda G’s set at Greenpeace stage in the evening and get a groove on.
The finish turned out to be a bit of a mistake.
Walking up to Greenpeace, we noticed that the crowds were only growing in size. “Looks like it’s going to be busy,” a friend said.
This was a bit of an understatement.
Turning the corner into the stage, we witnessed what can only be described as a sea of people crowding the place from wall to wall. “Let’s meet at the bar,” I said and people agreed.
We had been told to look out for a Mr Blobby doll that some of our other friends were using to mark where they were. I spotted it barely 50 metres away, but there was one major issue.
There were at least 2000 people between us.
“Bollocks.”
Once my friends made it back from the toilet and water stop, we started making our way through the crowd. We pushed through in single file but people weren’t moving out of our way. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they couldn’t. We were totally sardined.
After an hour or so of pushing through, we eventually camped up and admitted defeat. My Blobby is now only 15 metres away physically, but 1500 mentally. “Let’s park here until Jayda G is on,” someone suggested.
Yet she never came on.
Her set start time came and went and there’s still no music playing. We could see her in the tree, but she wasn’t touching the decks. A full 20 minutes passed and a voice suddenly came over the speaker announcing that her set had been cancelled as Greenpeace was overcrowded.
“No shit,” a fellow sardined neighbour said.
At this point we had spent close to 2 hours here. And most of that was spent in the crush.
We eventually stayed and Adelphi Music Factory came on after people emptied the space out, but a bit of me during the crush wished that we didn’t even attempt this. The pub crawl is still a major highlight of the weekend for me as we got to explore so many wonderful places of the festival that I hadn’t seen before. Maybe next time we just do that all day instead?
Talking to friends who hit up other stages that day, they all recall similar stories of overcrowding and crushes. Thursdays are chaotic at every stage it seems.
So here’s lesson number 2, kids. If you want to see music on Thursday, then go for it, but be prepared for some of the biggest crowds you’ve ever seen. There’s plenty of talk about overcrowding online about this already. I would suggest finding a fun, alternative plan for this day instead.
I kinda wished we just stayed on the pub crawl.
Friday - Sharing A Day Bag
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Glastonbury is HUGE. Walking across it is the best part of an hour and if you’re like me and love a two step listening to music, then your feet are not going to be fans of trekking to and fro across the site. So packing your day bag in the morning is a key part of the day.
Water? Check.
Alcohol? Check.
Sun cream? Check.
Another layer? Wait, it’s pretty cold out already, do I need another one? BBC says no, Met Office says yes. Alright just in case. Check.
Loo roll? May as well, would rather not be caught out. Check.
And so on.
However, today, I was taking my flag out with me. Those who know me probably already know about my goose flag. Her name is Gabi and she’s our Glasto goose. I had hand painted a similar one back in 2022 but the process was so lengthy that I got overly precious about it and only took it out for one day out of fear of damage. This year’s Glasto goose was still hand designed, but printed, so I was thankfully less precious about it and today was the first day I was bringing her out.
But it’s another thing to carry. So a friend suggested we share a day bag to minimise how much I’m lugging around.
And this is where the next mistake begins.
Water, suncream, alcohol, layer, and loo roll all find their way into his bag. It’s full to the brim and I’m glad I don’t have to carry it around today.
We set off and the day started swimmingly. Olivia Deane was on the Pyramid Stage and we enjoyed the surprise sun that popped out of the clouds.
“Can I get some sun cream?” I asked.
My friend passes the suncream. “You up for Remi Wolff in a bit?”
“Sounds good,” I responded.
We wandered over to Remi Wolff at Woodsies and I felt myself getting thirsty. “Can I grab some water?”
“Yeah, course.”
Against all odds (and weather app predictions), it was getting pretty hot and my sweater vest was no longer as necessary as I previously thought.
Following Remi Wolff, we made our way to Confidence Man on the Other Stage and the sun was now beating down. I grabbed yet more suncream and lathered it onto my skin.
Confidence Man started their set and they were smashing it. Hit after hit with the classic energy everyone knows and loves them for. Gabi was flying high above us enjoying the music. And once again, I got a little thirsty and turned around to ask my mate for some water from our day bag.
But he wasn’t there.
I looked at my phone to a message from him saying that he’s headed off to see another act and will meet us later. Not an issue, I told myself, I’ll run into him then.
At this point the sun was beginning to absolutely cook me in the sweater vest. I could feel the backs of my knees beginning to burn and I had to use my spare t-shirt as a neck cover as I felt my entire body start to heat up.
Well long story short, I got heat exhaustion and had to take myself to a shaded spot to cool down.
Whoops.
And I didn’t run into him again for the next 6 hours. Turns out we had completely different plans for the day for what we wanted to see.
Whoops again.
So lesson learned kids, if you’re sharing a day bag with someone, make sure you’re doing the same things together in the day. Or you may end up missing half of Bombay Bicycle Club’s set just like I did because you got a bit warm.
Saturday - Not Getting Enough Sleep
By Saturday, there are two camps of people. The first camp have paced their days well, optimised for sleep, and are still feeling semi-alright come Saturday.
Then there’s me.
If you didn’t already know, I like electronic music and a lot of that happens pretty late into the night at Glastonbury so who am I to stop myself dancing each and every night away. Well, tents aren’t well optimised for staying cool once the sun was up so the morning heat had me up relatively early each day.
I’m no longer the young and fit self that I was in my early twenties so this kind of behaviour catches up to me fast nowadays.
So let’s cut to Saturday, and I had the flag out with me again, but it’s a question of who’s carrying who now as I was heavily leaning on the pole that was lending a much needed support for the day.
Saturday was also “my day” where I had a whole list of people I wanted to see and a mission to complete.
We started at Stonebridge Bar for Daphni, then wandered over to Assembly in Silver Hayes for Gabrielle Kwarteng and Shanti Celeste, then a quick camp stop, then over to Pyramid for Michael Kiwanuka, a quick food stop, then back to Pyramid for Little Simz, then a long walk for yet another camp stop, over to Woodsies for Gossip, up the tower in The Park, over to Arcadia for Eric Prydz, then a final stop off in South East Corner for some late night boogying.
Don’t think I’ve slept better in my life after such a day.
Even if my feet were so sore that I could have cut them off.
So, as much as you may think you can last the whole five days with little sleep, I cannot recommend trying to optimise for sleep enough. I’m writing this a week and a half after I got back and I’m still tired from the ordeal.
Nurture your stamina, kids, it’s a marathon not a sprint.
Sunday - Bringing Too Much Food With Me
It’s Sunday morning and I’m staring at my food bag.
“How on earth am I going to get through 16 brioche in a day?” I ask myself. That’s not including the satsumas, breakfast bars, and stroopwaffles I had also brought. I had thought I was being conservative this year as last time I took at least half of my food back home with me and desperately wanted to avoid that.
And here you find me staring at my food bag overwhelmed by the idea of 16 brioche.
So let’s talk about food at Glastonbury.
You’re really spoiled for choice there with what must be hundreds of vendors around the site open until the early hours of the morning. I ate everything from the humble chicken wrap to the most delectable veggie curries. I’ve heard some people describe Glastonbury as a food festival with music attached before. One of my crew had even researched the best vendors ahead of time and knew exactly where the good stuff was (thank you Jenny!).
It’s not a question of what to eat, but when at Glastonbury. As you probably saw from my Saturday adventure, I was on the move for around 16 hours with only one break for food. True, you can pack some cereal bars and whatnot in your day bag to scran on when waiting for sets to begin. But they never hit the spot in the same way.
Also you tend to run out of these pretty quickly and you can only pack so many in your day bag. So coupling this with the dreaded long walks back to the tent and I would find myself without food and without time to get more.
Which can often leave revellers in the rather odd situation that you find me in today. Not eating enough during the days but with too much food on hand. I think I was averaging 1.5 meals a day for the whole weekend.
So, children, avoid packing too much food as you will probably end up having to stuff your face Monday morning before running for the bus. However, even after making the attempt not to pack too much, I still failed.
Which means you will probably make this mistake too.
Monday - Going Too Hard On Sunday
Pretty sure this one is self explanatory.
Rocking up to the coach stop on 3.5 hours sleep and a hangover is not the one.
And before you ask, yes, the IKEA bag was as bad going back to the stop as it was leaving it. The integrity also gave up on me on this return journey and I had to duct tape it shut in several places.
Learn from me, kids.